Hey, man, when I first arrived at this Winn-Dixie, I was looking for a car to steal. I found your brand new midnight blue suburban, keys in the ignition, motor still running and thought to myself “BINGO! Adios, suckers.” Do you know how much I can get for that when I strip it for parts? Neither do I but, I was really looking forward to finding out.
Anyway, I had only driven for about three blocks when I heard a voice ask “What are you doing?” At first I thought my conscience had finally caught up with me. I mean, you can only steal so many cars before you start examining your life choices, right? Then the voice said “You’re not my Daddy.” and I realized I wasn’t actually alone in the car; and, on a more existential level, it dawned on me that my subconscious was still okay with the whole grand theft auto thing.
I may steal cars here and there but, you left a three year old unattended in the parking lot of a Winn-Dixie. Are you stupid? Kids are precious, man. All kinds of things can happen to a toddler when you aren’t there to watch them. Never mind that I just technically kidnapped your kid for a few minutes while you were grabbing some milk, that’s bad enough but what if I hadn’t been there? Shit, this kid could have started playing with the windows and gotten his neck stuck. What would have happened if he’d started playing with the gear shifts? Accidents happen every year, man. Think about it. Do you know how many laws you just broke? I ought to call the cops on you.
Look, no harm was done here. Your kid is okay, the car is back. Let’s keep the police out of it. Here, take twenty bucks. Next time you need to pick up milk, hire a sitter. It’s on me.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Everyday Acts Of Espionage: Part One
1. Operation Zoolander. Your mission is a reconnaissance-push effort. Your target is a white male between the ages of 28 and 34, approximately 5’11” with sandy brown hair and unbelievably blue eyes. Your area of operation will be confined exclusively to the coffee house he frequents. Preliminary survey indicates that the subject is partial to double lattes, no foam; absence of a wedding ring suggests the individual is unmarried though the possibility that said individual has informally coupled with another remains. Our sources report that the subject has been seen in the presence of three or four extremely attractive women between the ages of 23-26; they are to be presumed hostile until their disposition can be assessed. Your objective in this maneuver is to gain greater visibility on this specific person of interest and to confirm or deny his heterosexuality and dating potential; under no circumstances are you to engage the subject at this time in any way. Your cover will be that of a coffee shop patron drinking coffee and accessing the free wifi offered by the establishment.
2. Operation Big Cat. Deep operations must be employed stressing combined arms cooperation at all levels: strategic, operational, and tactical. Following her 32nd birthday, your partner agent was compromised and turned by a counterintelligence group known only as ‘Cougars.’ Members of this group are exclusively female and between the ages of approximately 34 to 48. Intelligence reports indicate that members of ‘Cougar’ stalk and devour males roughly ten years their junior. They operate in cells of 4-8 individuals with no known central organization. Your objective is to infiltrate the cell and bring back your partner alive at which point, she will be debriefed and have her mental status assessed. The leader of this particular cell and, the one with whom you must make contact, goes by the name ‘Stephanie’ or ‘Stephie.’ She is to be considered extremely dangerous. You are on your own on this mission. If you are compromised and your objective revealed your status will be labeled ‘presumed dead’ and you will be disavowed as an operative.
2. Operation Big Cat. Deep operations must be employed stressing combined arms cooperation at all levels: strategic, operational, and tactical. Following her 32nd birthday, your partner agent was compromised and turned by a counterintelligence group known only as ‘Cougars.’ Members of this group are exclusively female and between the ages of approximately 34 to 48. Intelligence reports indicate that members of ‘Cougar’ stalk and devour males roughly ten years their junior. They operate in cells of 4-8 individuals with no known central organization. Your objective is to infiltrate the cell and bring back your partner alive at which point, she will be debriefed and have her mental status assessed. The leader of this particular cell and, the one with whom you must make contact, goes by the name ‘Stephanie’ or ‘Stephie.’ She is to be considered extremely dangerous. You are on your own on this mission. If you are compromised and your objective revealed your status will be labeled ‘presumed dead’ and you will be disavowed as an operative.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Your Local Fox News Affiliate
Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to Fox News at 10:00. I’m Ted Gunter and these are the top stories we’re following right now:
A deadly collision claimed the lives of four people on a local highway just about an hour ago. We’ll tell you which highway and why your children might still be in danger in a moment but, first, we go live to the capital building where our political correspondent, George Henders is standing by. George?
Thank you, Ted. As you can see, I’m standing in front of the capital where the assembly is currently not in session. I’ll be here all night to tell you how they’re wasting your tax dollars. Back to you, Ted.
Scary times, George. Thank you.
Have you bought a major appliance in the last six months? If so, something in your house might be trying to kill you. For more on this we go live to our consumer affairs correspondent, Jocelyn Felts. Jocelyn?
Thank you, Ted. I’m standing in front of a major retail outlet where reports are coming in about faulty everyday appliances, appliances most of us have in our homes right now. What are these appliances and which retail outlet is putting you in danger? I’ll be back with that story later. Ted?
Thank you, Jocelyn. Jocelyn? Can you tell our viewers at home watching, is this threat serious?
It’s hard to tell right now, Ted. Is this a matter of faulty wiring in Chinese made items or is this perhaps a by-product of the homosexual agenda? It’s not clear right now. What is clear is that no one at this store is answering any questions at this time.
Is it possible, Jocelyn, that this retail outlet could be covering up for the Chinese or, as you suggested, the homosexual agenda?
It’s hard to say, Ted. This store suspiciously closed its doors at 9:00 p.m. and has posted that it will reopen at 8:00 a.m. Are these the normal hours of business or simply a way to avoid answering my questions? I tried to talk to a janitor earlier this evening as he was entering the building but he only spoke Spanish. Ted?
A glaring indictment against immigrants, Jocelyn. Thank you. Let’s turn to weather with our chief meteorologist Cornelius Bottomburgerstern. What’s the weather looking like out there, Cornelius?
Well, Ted, the skies are clear right now but we’re looking at fog moving in during the overnight hours. By 6:00 a.m. tomorrow we’re looking at little to no visibility heading into the commute hours. Dangerous road conditions, Ted. I would recommend that people not leave their homes unless absolutely necessary. In all likelihood, this is just the regular fog that occurs when the difference between temperature and dew point is less than 4 °F. However, this could be the mysterious supernatural fog that brings with it the vengeful ghosts of mariners who were killed in a shipwreck and have risen up from their watery grave to kill all who cross their path. It’s hard to tell right now, Ted.
If this is vengeful ghost fog, Cornelius, what steps should people take to protect themselves?
Well, Ted, praying to God is the logical first step and, certainly individuals who have accepted Christ as their personal lord and savior should be okay. Though, clearly, if you’re a liberal who supports the separation of church and state and/or who votes to keep the phrase 'one nation, under God' out of the pledge of allegiance, your odds of survival decrease greatly.
Thank you, Cornelius. Finally tonight, we sent our girl reporter, Carly Bouch, out on the town as part of a series of segments called “What Scares Me.” She brings us this report. Good evening, Carly.
Ted, I’m standing here in a local children’s petting zoo. Behind me, as you can see, are roughly a dozen pygmy goats and they are terrifying. Pygmy goats originated in the Cameroon Valley of West Africa and were brought over to the United States in the 1950’s. Their diet consists primarily of greens and grains. While this breed of goat is typically not used for milk or meat, as some of their larger cousins are, their compact stature makes them the preferred goat for pagan and satanic sacrifice. Additionally, as we here at Fox have previously reported, goats, pygmy or otherwise, are godless creatures known for their vicious nature and wanton cruelty. Goats are stubborn by nature and have a history of voting democrat, supporting Obama-care and making sizeable donations to abortion clinics.
Excuse me, Carly, I hate to interrupt but, are you telling me that area children are being exposed to all of this?
That’s right, Ted. The owner of this petting zoo refused to speak to me on camera about whether he practices the dark arts or the frequency of his ritual slaughters but I can tell you he became quite agitated when I brought the subject up. When pressed, he was unapologetic and made claims that these goats are harmless. Ted, I want you to take a look at this: as you can see, I have placed an Afghani style turban on this pygmy goat. Now, I’m not saying this goat has ties to Al Queda but his resemblance to Osama Bin Laden is uncanny.
Carly, it looks like the goat is also wearing some sort of vest?
He is, Ted. I strapped a miniature bomb vest to this goat to show you just how real this threat is.
Thank you, Carly for that report. These are indeed troubling times. That’s all the time we have tonight. We’ll be back tomorrow morning to tell you exactly what is in your orange juice and why it has the power to paralyze you. Thanks for watching. Good night.
A deadly collision claimed the lives of four people on a local highway just about an hour ago. We’ll tell you which highway and why your children might still be in danger in a moment but, first, we go live to the capital building where our political correspondent, George Henders is standing by. George?
Thank you, Ted. As you can see, I’m standing in front of the capital where the assembly is currently not in session. I’ll be here all night to tell you how they’re wasting your tax dollars. Back to you, Ted.
Scary times, George. Thank you.
Have you bought a major appliance in the last six months? If so, something in your house might be trying to kill you. For more on this we go live to our consumer affairs correspondent, Jocelyn Felts. Jocelyn?
Thank you, Ted. I’m standing in front of a major retail outlet where reports are coming in about faulty everyday appliances, appliances most of us have in our homes right now. What are these appliances and which retail outlet is putting you in danger? I’ll be back with that story later. Ted?
Thank you, Jocelyn. Jocelyn? Can you tell our viewers at home watching, is this threat serious?
It’s hard to tell right now, Ted. Is this a matter of faulty wiring in Chinese made items or is this perhaps a by-product of the homosexual agenda? It’s not clear right now. What is clear is that no one at this store is answering any questions at this time.
Is it possible, Jocelyn, that this retail outlet could be covering up for the Chinese or, as you suggested, the homosexual agenda?
It’s hard to say, Ted. This store suspiciously closed its doors at 9:00 p.m. and has posted that it will reopen at 8:00 a.m. Are these the normal hours of business or simply a way to avoid answering my questions? I tried to talk to a janitor earlier this evening as he was entering the building but he only spoke Spanish. Ted?
A glaring indictment against immigrants, Jocelyn. Thank you. Let’s turn to weather with our chief meteorologist Cornelius Bottomburgerstern. What’s the weather looking like out there, Cornelius?
Well, Ted, the skies are clear right now but we’re looking at fog moving in during the overnight hours. By 6:00 a.m. tomorrow we’re looking at little to no visibility heading into the commute hours. Dangerous road conditions, Ted. I would recommend that people not leave their homes unless absolutely necessary. In all likelihood, this is just the regular fog that occurs when the difference between temperature and dew point is less than 4 °F. However, this could be the mysterious supernatural fog that brings with it the vengeful ghosts of mariners who were killed in a shipwreck and have risen up from their watery grave to kill all who cross their path. It’s hard to tell right now, Ted.
If this is vengeful ghost fog, Cornelius, what steps should people take to protect themselves?
Well, Ted, praying to God is the logical first step and, certainly individuals who have accepted Christ as their personal lord and savior should be okay. Though, clearly, if you’re a liberal who supports the separation of church and state and/or who votes to keep the phrase 'one nation, under God' out of the pledge of allegiance, your odds of survival decrease greatly.
Thank you, Cornelius. Finally tonight, we sent our girl reporter, Carly Bouch, out on the town as part of a series of segments called “What Scares Me.” She brings us this report. Good evening, Carly.
Ted, I’m standing here in a local children’s petting zoo. Behind me, as you can see, are roughly a dozen pygmy goats and they are terrifying. Pygmy goats originated in the Cameroon Valley of West Africa and were brought over to the United States in the 1950’s. Their diet consists primarily of greens and grains. While this breed of goat is typically not used for milk or meat, as some of their larger cousins are, their compact stature makes them the preferred goat for pagan and satanic sacrifice. Additionally, as we here at Fox have previously reported, goats, pygmy or otherwise, are godless creatures known for their vicious nature and wanton cruelty. Goats are stubborn by nature and have a history of voting democrat, supporting Obama-care and making sizeable donations to abortion clinics.
Excuse me, Carly, I hate to interrupt but, are you telling me that area children are being exposed to all of this?
That’s right, Ted. The owner of this petting zoo refused to speak to me on camera about whether he practices the dark arts or the frequency of his ritual slaughters but I can tell you he became quite agitated when I brought the subject up. When pressed, he was unapologetic and made claims that these goats are harmless. Ted, I want you to take a look at this: as you can see, I have placed an Afghani style turban on this pygmy goat. Now, I’m not saying this goat has ties to Al Queda but his resemblance to Osama Bin Laden is uncanny.
Carly, it looks like the goat is also wearing some sort of vest?
He is, Ted. I strapped a miniature bomb vest to this goat to show you just how real this threat is.
Thank you, Carly for that report. These are indeed troubling times. That’s all the time we have tonight. We’ll be back tomorrow morning to tell you exactly what is in your orange juice and why it has the power to paralyze you. Thanks for watching. Good night.
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